


Slings and Arrows

by S_Nebulosa



Series: Alex the Ace of Spades [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AroAce Alex, AroAce Alex Danvers, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Gen, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 07:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14848265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_Nebulosa/pseuds/S_Nebulosa
Summary: Seemingly out of nowhere, Alex world feels like it's falling apart. She has a hard time understanding her emotions, feelings and herself and struggles.





	Slings and Arrows

She had been doing so good. Feeling like slowly every puzzle piece fell into place.   
Then she’d began doubting everything. All the carefully constructed new beliefs about herself, about how she looked at people. It hadn’t been bad at the time because she was having hope again. Because of course she could feel like everyone else. Have a crush on someone, fall in love. It all sounds so nice and she’d began hoping that was something she could do too. Everyone appeared to be able to do it and it seemed to feel _so good._ So nice, to fall in love. To share your everything with someone and Alex just wanted that too. She could do that, she’d began interpreting feelings she had for people as romantic even though she knew, she _knew_ that’s not what she felt. She just wanted to be friends but she didn’t allow herself to see that and pretended it was romantic.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it all came crashing down. Not literally, but it sure felt like it. As if her delicately forged castle had collapsed right on top of her. The weight of the crumbling ceilings weighing heavy on her shoulders, pressing down on her chest, making it impossible to breath. It felt like the world taunted her.

Everything she had slowly started to believe again was broken down overnight and she had no clue what instigated it or how to stop it.

 

She finds herself alone in her apartment with no one to turn to. No one to comfort her or scold her. No one at all. Kara was out for dinner with Lena and Alex didn’t want to turn to her in her current mood anyway. Kara deserved positivity in her life after everything she’s been through.

The heavy castle ceilings are making her unable to do much. She knows she should, really. She _should_ make dinner and do laundry and clean her bathroom and vacuum her apartment and get her taxes in order but she just _can’t_. Today she can’t. She finds herself practically crawling to her bed in an attempt to collapse there instead of on the hard floor.

She makes it.

Barely.

She curls up, letting the pain inside her come to a boil until it spills out in the form of big wet tears dripping on her pillow case. She clutches a second pillow to her chest and makes herself as small as possible in hopes of making it ache less. When that doesn’t help, she spreads out on the bed, lying on her stomach and burying her face in her pillow. Maybe she can manage to suffocate on it. Though she doesn’t really want that too, she doesn’t necessarily want to die. She’s just having a bad day. A terrible day. The worst.

She wishes she has Mr. Newton.

She wishes she has Kara.

She wishes she has Eliza.

She wishes for anyone but she’s incapable of reaching out. She doesn’t want to bother them, doesn’t want to have to explain and doesn’t want to bring them down. They’re better off without her right now.

She wishes she has a dog.

She wishes she has anything to give her some sense of comfort.

She doesn’t have any such thing, so she just cries. She cries and cries until there’s no more tears left. Then she cries some more.

She has a headache and a dry mouth. She physically aches more than emotionally now. She just feels empty and lies in her bed doing nothing for hours. Desperately wishing someone would put their hand on her back. Someone would hold her; would tell her it’s going to be okay. Someone who runs their fingers through her hair. Someone who buries their face in her neck. Someone who wraps their arms around her and doesn’t let go until she’s ready.

It dawns on her that this is probably what loneliness feels like. Maybe a hint of being touch-starved. Thinking back, the last time she’s had contact with a living being -not counting plants- was over a week ago when she cuffed the alien she had just beaten.

The last time she’s had a hug is so long ago, she can’t remember. Maybe she’d given Kara a hug a while back when Kara had needed it. Maybe she hadn’t and it has been even longer without comforting touch.

 

It only serves to increase her confusion, this desperate hope for someone to be here and cuddle with, hug her and never let go. Someone’s arms she can burrow into. Forgetting the world for a moment, having only the two of them exist.

It hurts.

She needs to set a date with Kara to find her a dog. She desperately wants a dog. Needs a dog. Today, she _needs_ one, other days she just wants one.

She imagines soft fur under her fingers instead of rough bedsheets. Imagines a soft tongue giving her dog-kisses and slobbering on her. Imagines the weight of a gigantic fur ball on top of her.

It only serves to make her feel worse and she breaks down once more.

 

Eventually, she falls asleep. It’s a dreamless slumber and she wakes up a little more refreshed and feeling marginally better. Enough to get on with her day at least, to put on a semi-smile and get on with life.

She’s still very much in need of a hug and as the week progresses she slowly starts believing that the first person who will offer her a hug will end up with a sobbing and broken-down Alex in their arms. She resolves not to let that happen. Not to linger too long into the touch.

She doesn’t need to test her self-control though because the hug doesn’t come.

 

A week creeps by and her willpower hasn’t been tested.

 

She keeps going. Working. Training. Running. She has to keep going because the moment she stops -she thinks- she won’t be able to start again. The moment she gives in to the feeling is the moment she completely loses everything.

Her swaying thoughts and feelings stay though and she no longer knows what’s real and what’s not.

 

A week creeps by and nothing changes.

 

She doesn’t figure it out. She shuts everyone out because she can’t let them in. Can’t ask them for help or comfort. Not that she doesn’t want to, she just actually finds herself incapable of doing so.

She had finally thought she was normal again. _No, not normal_. She chastises herself. _Normal implies not being able to feel that way being ‘abnormal’, which it’s not. It’s just not as widely accepted_. Just because the media portray romance as the only thing that can make someone truly happy doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone. For decades, the media portrayed straight relationships as the only ‘right’ ones and there’s plenty of people who are happy in a same sex relationship. There’s probably also plenty of people happy without a relationship at all. Without even wishing for one. Alex just doesn’t know about them because no one talks about it. To the wider population of Earth, it’s not something they connect with, hence it’s not something broadcasted as possibility.

She had finally thought she’d figured herself out and _was_ capable of romance and everything surrounding it. Only to be slapped in the face by her own feelings. By something. She doesn’t even know what. The only thing she knows is that suddenly she can’t fathom the idea of herself being able to feel like that, of herself being in love. Let alone of someone having those feelings for her, someone loving her.

 

A week creeps by and it doesn’t get any better.

 

She gets better at hiding it though. Is at least able to fake a smile and pretend to laugh convincingly enough. Her inner turmoil never wavers but Alex doesn’t show anyone. She gets better at cancelling plans. At avoiding colleagues -J’onn- and Kara. Gets better at withdrawing, locking herself away. Spending her nights alone. Wishing for time to pass by quicker so she can just go home and release.

Her skin no longer feels like it fits her, either too loose or too tight. Something deep inside her feels wrong. Like she’s swallowed a stone and it’s taken the place of her heart.

 

A week creeps by and she finds herself wishing she doesn’t have to do it anymore.

 

She wishes for a way to make things better. She wishes for a friend. A best friend. Someone she feels comfortable enough with to reach out to. Someone she doesn’t have to reach out to because they see her every day and will _know_ the moment something is up. Alex knows it’s wishful thinking. She’ll never be comfortable enough with anyone to reach out. It just not something she can do. One day Kara might have been that person, but she has her own life now. A job and Supergirl duties, her own friends and worries and struggles.

 

A week creeps by and she pushes the idea of a dog away.

 

She finds a lot of new reasons why it’s a bad idea. Why she isn’t suited to be a dog owner. Why her life doesn’t fit a dog. She doesn’t plan a date with Kara to go look for one because every dog deserves better than her.

 

A week creeps by and she feels like she’s turned into a robot.

 

She gets on with her life but stays away from anything romantic because it seems so nice and good. Two people cuddling, someone casting their fingers through someone else’s hair, soft kisses, heart-eyes.

She can’t take it.

The moment she accidentally does end up seeing it, her skin freezes. She gets goose bumps and her skin feels cold. She is not really cold but God, it feels like that. It feels as if someone soaked her body in an ice bath and it hurts. It hurts because she doesn’t have it and she can’t ever have it.

 

A week creeps by and just as suddenly as her castle collapsed, it seems to rebuild itself. Suddenly, she enjoys game nights again and gets fulfilment out of work, her friendships and sports. Life is strange like that.


End file.
